[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer![]()
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My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
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A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
Traveler’s camo
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Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them