[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
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Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.