A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Based Erika
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*