“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
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Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.