*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
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My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Worth remembering.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.