One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
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Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
yeah no that’s fair
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE