One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
![]()
You Might Also Like
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.