Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
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The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.