The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
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“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Children of the corn 🌽
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Woke up with morning Yule Log
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.