i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
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Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs