I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
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I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Haha good job!!
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …