I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
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when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
My boss called in sick of me
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND