The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
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Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
what do you want!!!!!!!!
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.