Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
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Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.