Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
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I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!