*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
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Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out