@LadyBroseph

*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.

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@clichedout

ME: I’ll have the steak

WAITER: with pleasure

ME: um no, with steak sauce

@Adam14

Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.

@dril

let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,

@3sunzzz

I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.

@Reverend_Scott

[class trip]

I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm

DO U HAVE COWS?

Yes, it’s a dairy farm

DO U HAVE WHALES?

Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?

@Book_Krazy

Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…

Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.

@SCbchbum

One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.

@david8hughes

[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that

@PeachCoffin

My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again

@_TayTayJustine

How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool