ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
This is nice.
This is also pretty cool.
Oh okay this is my favorite.
You Might Also Like
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
How to flirt:
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool