Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo

Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now

[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-

[on an airplane]

Me: Is the pilot any good?

Flight attendant: One of the best

Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?

A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.

They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.

Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room

who did the taste test?

My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..

Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?

Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.

when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo

THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless

If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin

My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”

Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines

[being murdered]

Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?

Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.

Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?

My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely

No Google it does not

Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.

[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction

I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.

My mother: What color do you look good in?

Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.

Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.

(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not

I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.

One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.

Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly

Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts

I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.

boss: what are u doing

me: *pretends to read email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”