It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
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Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Merica.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural