I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
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Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
I’d use my best pan on you.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”