The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today
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Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Festival
Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?
Me: No, thank you.
PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!
Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
sooo many straight people never talk to their exes and sooooo many queer people are like “this is my ex-girlfriend we share custody of our dog Skippy she’s the godmother of my children oh and also we own a bar together”
this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear
She was rare, like a goth jogging