me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
You Might Also Like
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Spider-cat: No One Home
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]