I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
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My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
This headline is a thing of beauty
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*