I changed my mind..馃悤馃惥馃崻馃槄
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I don鈥檛 mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn鈥檛 need anymore.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
me: there鈥檚 something gross in my soup.
waiter: that鈥檚 your reflection
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car鈥檚 extended warranty after you figure out why I鈥檓 afraid of pralines.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I鈥檓 probably picking your pockets.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
2022 will be better than 2021
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn鈥檛
mentally somewhere in italy
Me: I can鈥檛, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I鈥檝e wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger鈥檚 family.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that鈥檚 how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i鈥檓 here for my spaghetti appointment
Me: What鈥檚 for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok