Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
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All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.