The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
You Might Also Like
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Money is the root of all wealth
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
groan^2
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love