@EndhooS

Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..

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@chillandwoke

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth

@Reverend_Scott

WAITER: Can I take your order?

CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?

WAITER: …Dad?

CUSTOMER: …son?

[they embrace, finally reunited]

DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself

@pplwtching

Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.

@fozzie4prez

Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop

@rachelle_mandik

am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise

@GrantTanaka

My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions

@iAmDelFreaky

Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*

Him: What’s funny?

Me: Nothing.

Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*

Me: Ha! Photo bombed!

@audipenny

Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences

@NickBossRoss

Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”