Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
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Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Found my door mat
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.