Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
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I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.