Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.

A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.

I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.

On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”

..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”

sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number

Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”

July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*

August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*

August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*

date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”

Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.

Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word

N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure

You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!

Canadian Oneupmanship

*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper

“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”

*sighs
*leaves

Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.

Moving on.

My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say

Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!

*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.

Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.

If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.

M: *hands you back your baby*

Aw, is he getting too heavy?

M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.

surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint

“Holy shit I’m a cat?”

boss: can i talk to you in my office

me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too

Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.

Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place

Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,

I don’t understand.

Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car

“Are you going to finish that?”

-takes a tantrum from a toddler