Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
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Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose