When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
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Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”