I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
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My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
twitter users today:
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what