“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
You Might Also Like
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
A leaf blower, but for people.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika