ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
You Might Also Like
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
screw you
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.