I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
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Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick