Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
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On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
I’m too immature for adultery.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.