My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
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My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
🤣😂🤣
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.