If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
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People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.