People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
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Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!