5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
You Might Also Like
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
WWE is French for “yes”
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.