Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
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Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down