Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
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(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.