AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
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My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
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IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
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*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.