Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.
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Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go