I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
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my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.