my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
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people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit