I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
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Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
“You drive, I’m tired.”
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?