[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
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HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
It was worth a shot 😂
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.