Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
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[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.