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Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
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It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
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