Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
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The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.