Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
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A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Coffee for people with no kids
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When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
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Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Risking my life for fun.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way