Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster

[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly

Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.

Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.

Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.

I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.

you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker

interviewer: please, sit down

me: thank you

interviewer: not on my lap

Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.

Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”

They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’

*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*

“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”

Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.

Mars has enough problems already.

I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.

gm

My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.

wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.

BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?

If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.

BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.

I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?

Lemming: Just trust me, ok?

My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.

always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”

Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Correct.

I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.

as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.

Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy