Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
You Might Also Like
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Word.
~ Microsoft.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end