A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
You Might Also Like
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
new year update: losing everything but weight
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.