Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
You Might Also Like
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help